The Table That Nearly Destroyed My Marriage

There are lots of things I love about my house, but our cave-like living room was not one of them. It only has a couple of windows, and the overhead light provided by the ceiling fan is harsh and ugly. We looked into adding recessed lighting, but since it's a two-story house, it's difficult, and there prohibitively expensive. So for a year and a half, I made do with lamps. I had five of them in there, which you'd think would be enough- but you would be wrong. Because even with all that illumination, the area around the sofa was still a pit of darkness.

That's really the sofa's fault. We have a giant, ridiculously comfortable sectional that we named Couchzilla. We love it, but it's massive- like literally fills two entire walls- so there's no room for end tables. And my husband is very particular about lights that reflect into the tv. VERY PARTICULAR. It seriously makes him crazy, so every night around 8:00, I'd have to turn off two of my lamps, and spend the evening in a dim cave. I was usually asleep on the couch by 8:30 because it was too dark to stay awake.

I was tired of missing the second half of every tv show, so something had to be done. We had been looking for a long, skinny console table, but the problem was that it needed to be REALLY long and REALLY skinny. And anything that looked like it could even begin to work was very high-end and had four-digit price tags. Nuh uh, not happening.

On a Saturday TJ Maxx jaunt with my mom, I found a table that I thought might work. It wasn't quite long enough, and I thought it might be a touch too wide, but the price was right, so I took it home. After wedging it into place, and using my mantel lamps to stage it, I was unsure about it. It made the couch stick out awfully far from the wall. And that made the other end of the couch extend past the doorway, but I decided to live with it for a day or two.

Not bad...

Ummm, well....

Hmmmm

That night I had light, glorious light!!! It was so cozy and illuminated and I swore I was never going back. They'd have to pry that table from my cold, dead hands. Unfortunately, my husband was willing to do just that. He hated the table. He didn't mind the light, but he thought the table was the wrong size and Couchzilla looked stupid sticking so far out from the wall. I kind of agreed, but I was willing to overlook it. But he was not, and that set off an EPIC fight.There was yelling and threats of bodily harm (obviously, I was the one making those). I stomped out in a rage to go to the grocery store, and the child that tagged along asked "are you and Daddy going to get a divorce?" (We don't fight much, so he was a little traumatized...) I replied, "Of course not, silly!" But I muttered under my breath, "unless he messes with my table..."

I returned in a less-crazy state and was actually willing to listen as he showed me plans he had found online to DIY an inexpensive table. We could custom build something for less than I'd paid for the table that really didn't work in the space. I conceded that he was probably right on this one, and sent him off to Lowe's to procure supplies.

A couple of hours later, we had a table. It wasn't perfect- and there are definitely some wonky parts. I don't think the stair-banister rails we used as legs are perfectly even, and there are some gaps between the legs and sides, but It's all hidden by the couch!! A little paint, a little stain, and we were in business. Divorce averted!!

7 feet long, 6 inches wide

I found two really great lamps at TJ Maxx when I returned the table, so we were good to go. Now I have all the light I need even when I have to turn off those lamps that so rudely impair my husband's optimal tv viewing. A family in crisis has been saved by DIY!!

Success!!

Before we go, I have an exciting announcement!! Since our house isn't quite crazy enough and doesn't have quite enough dudes in it, we decided it was time for a new baby boy!

 Meet Max Power...

It's (Technically) Fall, Y'all

      The sun is high, the cicadas are singing the song of their people, and it will be almost 90 degrees this afternoon. Everything about that just screams fall, right? Okay, so despite the fact that everything about the weather screams summer, the calendar says fall, and I'm ready for it. Plus, this is the deep South- I've decorated my Christmas tree in shorts with the AC blasting. If I waited for true fall weather to decorate, it would be mid-December. And hey, I've seen at least three trees with a few golden leaves, so it's time for fall, y'all!!

     I love the gorgeous, rustic colors of autumn- the stuff that makes you want to curl up in a cable-knit sweater and drink apple cider (screw that pumpkin spice latte' garbage. I'm sorry, but it's gross.) Nevermind the fact that if you actually try to do either of those things, you'll die of heat stroke. Imagining them is fun!! So I dragged my boxes of festive fall finery out of the attic, set the air to 65* and got started!

In the past, I've spread out decor around the kitchen and living room, but I decided to minimize a bit (because 80 pounds of fake leaves are definitely minimalist) and just to the mantel and the etagere in the living room. Luckily I've been adding to my collection of crap for years, so I only had to buy this large gold frame from Goodwill. It originally held a print of some flowers, and when the lady behind me in line admired it, she seemed slightly scandalized that I planned to toss the print and just use the gaudy frame. Oh well!

Okay, the frame was almost the only thing I had to buy. There were also two sparkly pumpkins and two bottles of craft paint from Walmart, and a styrofoam pumpkin from the dollar tree. I love the Dollar Tree for basic starter decorations. This pumpkin was really ugly, but after a couple of coats of metallic copper paint, and some dark copper glitter that I already had, it's lovely!

Glitzy!

 I've been saving these old light globes for a while. I just knew I could do something with them. I coated the inside of one with the aforementioned copper paint, and the other with metallic dark gold paint, and voila'- fancy acorn-looking thingies!

Upcycled light globe and my best Bob Ross!

I traded our usual family pictures and tchotchkes on the etagere for a fall feel. At first, I had added leaves and pumpkins, but it all felt like a little much.I have several things that I love and definitely wanted to put out- the little scarecrow embroidery I did a few years ago, the tiny painting I did after watching a bunch of old Bob Ross shows, the fingerprint trees on burlap canvases that my twins did when they were tiny, but it was just a lot going on. So I nixed the leaves and scaled back the pumpkins, and let the small art pieces speak for themselves. Much better!

It's kind of silly to put all this up now- especially since I'll be taking it down in three weeks to put up Halloween, and putting it back up after the spooking is over, but it makes me happy. And I'm glad we're ready for fall- if it ever actually arrives!

This Sucks!! Part 3: Stairway to Heaven

Okay, so I said I was going to do the series of sucky project posts over the course of a week. But here we are, two weeks later, finally doing the last, most horrible project ever attempted. This one was so bad, I had to steel myself to write about it seven months after it occurred. But I'm finally ready to recount the project that almost killed us. Prepare yourself for This Sucks! Part 3: Painting a Stairway to Heaven...

Back in February, we had an unfortunate incident that shall henceforth be known as ToiletFlood 2017.  The toilet in the boys' bathroom backed up (thanks to a small toy flushed down the pipe by a previous occupant) and overflowed gallons of water which then poured down like a waterfall through our Moravian star light fixture. It covered our foyer hardwoods in a lovely layer of toilet water and caused over $7,000 worth of damage. Here was the foyer before the great flood.

We had to hire a restoration company to dry everything out with their huge, incredibly loud fans, dehumidifiers, and a maze of drying mats. It took three days- three long days of rearranging sleeping spaces, holing up in the bedroom to try to get away from the incessant jet-engine roar of the fans, and yelling to be heard. It was not fun.

 Find your fun where you can!!

Once the drying was complete, the repairs began. The bathroom tile had to be replaced, carpet had to be ripped out, and we had to replace the foyer ceiling. On one hand, we got to make a few upgrades. The boys' bathroom had carpet in the vanity area, so we were able to replace that with tile, and they got a brand-new, fancy toilet. But on the other hand, we had to tear out carpet that was less than six months old. Since the water overflowed from the bowl, it was considred a biohazard, so any wet carpet had to go. They pulled it out of the twins' room, the hallway, and the stairs.

This used to be the foyer ceiling

We were curious about what we'd find beneath the stairs- plywood, or solid stair treads. We weren't thrilled with the way the stair carpet was holding up. After only six months, it was already looking pretty matted and worn, but stair treads are expensive and look kind of difficult to replace. So the day the stair carpet came up, I was anxiously peering over the workmen's shoulders to see what we would find. Jackpot!! Solid wood treads.

I immediately shouted, "Wait!! Don't put carpet on these!! I'm going to refinish them!!!" They looked at me dubiously and asked, "Are you sure? That's a lot of work..." But I was so sure. I skipped around like a happy bunny, chortling gleefully and calling everyone to tell them about our amazing luck. The carpet guys asked one more time before they left if I was ABSOLUTELY SURE that I didn't want them to carpet the stairs?? I was sure. Well, did I want them to leave the carpet so if I changed my mind...?" Nope, take it. I had never been more sure about anything.

Then our contractor stopped by, and I told him my brilliant plan. He was also quite doubtful and concerned. He told me I didn't know what I was getting myself into, and that I should call him when I figured out how tough it was and decided to go with carpet after all. But I was not phased. I had done my research- I'd read at least three internet tutorials and I knew exactly what I was doing. Famous last words.

I started yanking out the 60,000 staples with great enthusiasm. That lasted about five minutes. Y'all, I cannot even tell you what a pain that was. Wrenching and prying out hundreds, THOUSANDS of staples until I had arthritic claw hands and my back and arms ached beyond belief. It took days to finish, and every one was abject misery. But that was just the beginning.

The stair treads are pine, which is a fairly soft wood, so they had some gouges and dings that had to be filled, along with 120,000 staple holes. Then we had to sand them. And let me tell you, that might have been the biggest, most unholy mess I have ever seen. We taped the foyer off with plastic, but it didn't matter. No matter how many times I've cleaned the walls, there's still a fine layer of sawdust lurking everywhere I couldn't reach. It was HORRIBLE, and it took HOURS.

Then it was time to paint. I had originally planned to stain the treads and paint the risers, but we realized that the bottom stairs had oak trim and pine treads, and there was no way they were going to take stain the same way. Instead of trying to fight that battle, I just decided to paint the sons of bi.... guns. I used Sherwin Williams porch paint in Peppercorn because it's made to withstand lots of foot traffic, plus I wouldn't have to put a sealant on it and worry about slippery stairs of death.

But it's awfully hard to paint stairs when that's the only way to access your children's bedrooms. So I had a system- I painted every other stair. Once those were dry, I started on the next set. I used hot pink post-it notes to show the kids which stairs were safe to step on and prayed that no one would lose their footing. This was slow-going, obviously, and I still had to paint the risers and trim- which required so much taping and so many touch-ups. All-in-all, it took about two weeks. And I still haven't taken the rail down and painted it, because I'm still suffering PTSD from the stair project. Oh well, maybe someday. We finished the landing with some leftover hardwood flooring we had in the attic, and the project from hell was finally done.

Only step on the stairs with post-its!!!!

Even though this was the WORST, MOST DIFFICULT project that we have EVER attempted, dang if it wasn't worth it. It makes our closed off, cramped staircase seem so much brighter and more open. And the stairs are holding up sooooo much better than the carpet. I think we have two scratches after seven months of heavy use. So, while I would never encourage anyone to do it, and I totally understand why the carpet guys and out contractor doubted me, I'm really glad we did it (and that I showed those guys!! Don't doubt a determined woman.)

Bruce the Moose stands sentry over the stairs

This Sucks!!! Part 2

Part 2: The Tale of the Tufted Chair

I have reupholstered plenty of things over the years. Mostly easy chair seats, but I've tackled some tougher things. Shoot, back in college, my best friend and I reupholstered an entire Goodwill couch using nothing but cheap fabric, furniture tacks and a butter knife! So I felt adequately prepared to try something a bit more challenging. Plus, I had recently watched one of those two-minute facebook videos that showed how to recover a chair with a fabric back, so obviously, I knew exactly what I was doing, right?

I found my victim on facebook marketplace. A very traditional, but very dated chair with lots of potential. Just look at that orange velvet!! If that doesn't take you back to Grandma's living room circa 1972, I don't know what would!

After I negotiated the $60 asking price down to $30, I was ready. I bought fabric, foam, a button kit, and some nailhead trim. I carefully removed the original upholstery, taking pictures throughout so I could remember exactly how to put it all back together.

Then it was time for paint. I had some white chalk paint leftover from the kitchen cabinet project, and it has such a quick drying time that I thought it would be perfect for this quick and easy project. I was a little concerned about painting the rattan sides with a brush, but it went better than I expected. I just sort of smushed it in there with a brush, smoothed it out and smoothed out drips on the other side. Three coats later, it was ready for wax. I used minwax paste wax, and my same "smush and spread" technique on the rattan, and everything looked great.

It was time to tuft. First I had to make fabric-covered buttons. I had this easy little kit so it couldn't be that hard, right? Wrong. SO WRONG. It took me at least an hour to make ten of them since the button fronts kept popping off. There was cussing. Lots of cussing.

Once I finally had the buttons done, I covered the cardboard with foam, laid the fabric over it and put a few staples in the back to hold it in place. Then I began the battle to shove the buttons through the fabric and twist the 20 gauge wire to hold it into place. There was cussing, sweating and bleeding. And then a couple of the button fronts popped off after I had them anchored in place!! I was just about ready to say, "Tuft this!" and give up, but I was in too deep.  After I'd wiped the blood off the fabric and repaired as many buttons as I could, I was one button short. Back to the fabric store, grumbling all the way.

 I hate you, stupid lower right button!!

Once the tufting was finally finished to the best of my meager ability, it was time to move on to upholstery. I'll spare you the details of how many times I had to rip out staples and start over again- mostly because I lost count. When I finally got the fabric all stapled on as straight as I could manage, I realized that I had forgotten to put in the layer of cotton batting that goes between the cardboard and the back piece of fabric. D'oh!!

Saggy, wrinkled, and no batting

(shrug)

There was no way I was going back at this point, so I forged ahead. I used nailhead trim to cover the staples and the unfinished edge of fabric. That was fairly easy, and as long as you don't look too closely at the fabric poking through, it looks okay.

See my assistant peeking under the chair?

The hard part was done, right? The seat would be easy-peasy, right? Of course not!!!! I cut the foam, I covered the seat, I put 600 staples in it, and I set it in the chair. It was too small. I had pulled the fabric too tight and compressed the foam too much, and I had about two inches of space around the entire thing. ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remove 600 staples, cover it AGAIN, and shove that stupid son of a.... (you get the idea) back in the chair. Still not perfect, but close e-freaking-nough. Once I screwed the seat back down, I realized there was a distinct ridge where the edge of the foam met the wood of the seat, but I just couldn't care anymore.

Ugggghhhhh, why????

It was done, and I learned that a two-minute facebook video does not make you an upholstery expert. I also understand why having something reupholstered is so dang expensive. Y'all, that junk is HARD!! But I did it- sort of. And my husband thought it looked good. In fact, he already put it to use!

It has filled its purpose as a cast-off clothing holder!

But, God as my witness, I will never try tufting again!!!!

This Sucks!! Part 1

School is back in session, and I'm back in full project mode!! Since I've been AWOL for about a month, I decided to bring it back in a big way. I'm doing a three-post series this week called This Sucks!!!! It will cover three projects that were SO MUCH HARDER than I ever anticipated. You know how that goes- you start a project all sunshiney and confident, and then, halfway through, you're crying on your kitchen floor wondering what the hell you were thinking? Yeah, those kinds of projects. So join me on my arduous journey of suckage, won't you?

Part 1: The Hooker Ruined My Life

Remember this table? Giant, sturdy dining table made by Hooker Furniture Co. that I bought off Facebook marketplace for a mere $75? Well, that damn thing took over my kitchen and my entire life for TWO FULL WEEKS. "Why?" you might ask, it's just a table... Two words, my friends, oil paint.

Children shown for scale!!

See, I wanted to paint the table white, but I had to find a way to make sure it was durable. Painting it with latex and finishing it with polycrylic was out. I used polycrylic on my previous table and it was a HUGE mistake. Polycrylic is water-based, and it breaks down over time with repeated exposure to water. Think about how often you wipe down your kitchen table. Within a couple of years, my table was permanently sticky because the protective finish had been completely broken down. And trust me, peeling yourself away from the table on a daily basis is unpleasant.

Now, oil-based polyurethane would have held up to the abuse, and if I'd been staining the table, that's what I would have used. But oil-based poly has a tendency to yellow over time, and that is not a good look on a white table. Who wants to put in all that work for something that's going to look dingy in no time flat?

That left only one option- oil-based paint. I haven't used the stuff in about a million years and this project made me remember why. It has its good points- it goes on smoothly and has beautiful coverage, and its rock-hard finish is insanely durable. But oh man, it stinks to high heaven and takes FOREVER to dry. I had to wait a full 24 hours between each coat, and it took three coats for the base and four for the top. And my house REEKED the entire time. We all had headaches, and stuffy noses, and that was with a million fans running.

Disaster zone

It also meant that no one could go near the table for days. And since the table is gigantic, it meant that half of our kitchen was completely off-limits. Eating dinner on the coffee table got old fast. But that just took a week, right? What about the other week?

The chairs. The stupid chairs killed the second week. I had four chairs that I'd bought at a junk store years ago. I had painted them, distressed them, and recovered the seats. But after several years of use, they were more than distressed, they were downright destitute. Plus, I had two chairs I'd bought at Goodwill that had to be re-glued, repainted, and reupholstered.

Time for a facelift!

The original four had to be sanded- which took about two hours per chair. Then they each required three coats of paint- with a day's drying time between every coat. The Goodwill chair had been sanded but needed its three coats as well. (the other Goodwill chair is still sitting in the garage waiting for my husband to re-glue it. Technically, this project isn't even done yet!!) I reupholstered each in a gingham oilcloth, and finally, we could eat dinner in the kitchen again!! Just in the nick of time, because school was starting, and you cannot be without the hub of your kitchen once you have three kids in school.

It's been in use for almost a month now, and it's glorious!!! All spills wipe right up, and water rings just sit, nice as you please, until I get around to wiping them up. I am using placemats to avoid scratches from dishes, but the few we've gotten clean off easily with a magic eraser (without damaging the finish). We've had meals, homework, backpacks and everything else on the table, and it looks perfect. The process totally sucked, but the end result was well worth it.

Stay tuned for the Tale of the Tufted Chair....

Thrifty Business aka There's a Hooker in My Garage

Summer is long. And hot. And there are many boys fighting under my feet and occasionally using me as a human shield against an angry brother. Needless to say, these are not conditions that lend themselves well to home-improvement projects. Luckily, it hasn't kept me from another one of my true loves- junkin'.

I've managed to make a few Goodwill trips, and I've hit up my favorite junk shops a couple of times as well. And let me tell you, this has been a summer of treasure. So much treasure in fact, that this entry will be a two-parter. Today we're going to focus on the things I've found in the last 3 weeks, and how I saved my family over $3,000.

A few weekends ago I was helping one of my BFFs look for treasure for her house. She'd done some painting and rearranging and she needed some fun stuff for her walls. We found some awesome stuff, and I only had to threaten her a couple of times to keep her from passing on anything truly amazing. Even though her house was the focus of the day, I managed to find a couple of things. A charming little set of dollhouse furniture (more on that later!) and a delightful little terra cotta watering can. All told, I paid $12. After a date with a can of spraypaint, and a little pot of ivy, this majestic beast now resides in my bedroom.

On this trip, I discovered a charming pair of andirons shaped like labrador retrievers. I thought they would be perfect on my fireplace, but I was trying not to spend money since we were a week away from our annual beach vacation. At $95 they were just more than I could reasonably spend for a non-essential, so I sadly walked away. But I just couldn't get them out of my mind, and I told my husband and my mom that I wanted somebody to buy me those dogs for my birthday. My mom said she'd be glad to, so despite the fact that my birthday is a full month away, I raced back to the store the day after we returned from the beach, praying the whole way that the store would be open and nobody would have snatched up my treasure.

Success!!! The weird little decrepit store, stuck behind a gas station and filled with a random assortment of stuff and an entire room of old stereo equipment was open, and my dogs were patiently waiting for me. I joyfully snatched them up- well, more carefully than joyfully, these guys are cast iron and they are HEAVY!!! Upon getting them home, I did a little research. They were made in the 1950s by the Liberty Foy Foundry in St. Louis. And I found a few of them listed for sale ranging from $450-$1900!!! SCORE!!!!

Meet Greenberry and Woodberry! (they're family names) Should you happen to own a pair of these and find yourself on hard times, I'd strongly advise you to put those puppies (ha!) on eBay or One Kings Lane. I mean, look at this!!

I figured nothing could top a find like that, but I was wrong. I've been perusing Facebook marketplace regularly, and I've found some great things. Yesterday I stumbled across a lovely kitchen table priced at only $100. The seller agreed to a final price of $75, and I quickly dispatched my husband and my dad to fetch my newest prize. They returned with a very large, VERY heavy table made by Hooker furniture. (See what I did there?) We looked it up, and sure enough, it's still in production and retails for around $1900.

Now, this particular Hooker would not go for $1900. She's seen better days, been used hard, taken a beating or two (too far?), but she's got a lot of life left in her.

Ignore the dust and sandpaper!

She's got great legs!!

 She's missing her leaves, so I'm on a quest to buy/make/have made some replacements. And the veneer is missing in a couple of places, but I don't mind. That just made my design decision of stain vs. paint easier. I could probably figure out how to fix the veneer, but I don't really want to, so paint it is!!!

For now, there's a cheap, old Hooker in my garage taking up my husband's parking space, but I'm hoping to move her indoors soon. Once I give her a good sanding, I'll bring her in for a paint job and we'll finally have a table big enough for our family. And, if you've been keeping up with the math, you can see that I saved my family tons of money by spending $170. Because we definitely would have spent $3800 on cast iron dogs, and tables....

Stay tuned to hear about the most amazing Goodwill find OF ALL TIME. Seriously- it's proof that Jesus loves me and there is a Santa Clause.

From Blah to....Less Blah

It's summer, so there's not a ton happening on the home improvement front. Luckily, I have a few projects that are in a semi-finished state, so I can share them during the long, hot days ahead. This one was completed about a month ago, but I saved it for the dreariest day imaginable to try to take crappy cell-phone pictures in a room that already doesn't get a ton of light. I'm so smart and good at this!!

Our guest room has been the most transitional room thus far. We had planned on it being an office. It already had a massive desk in there left by the previous owners, so I originally styled it as an office and packed the closet with my obscene amount of craft supplies. And then we never used it. The only time I ever set foot in there was to fetch something from my craft closet.

Then a few months ago, I experienced a lengthy bout of insomnia. When that happens, I have two options- lay in bed, angry and awake, listening to my husband snoring while plotting his gruesome murder or go share the couch with the dog. Neither one of those was particularly appealing, and we had that whole room, just wasting away... A quick trip to Sam's for a twin mattress and box spring turned our unused office into a guest room/sanctuary from snoring.

It still lacked style, and paint. So once I had finished painting every other room in the house, it was time to tackle this one. But choosing a color was tough. I had originally thought a light periwinkle might be nice, but I was wrong. It was more of a lilac nightmare. A leftover can of light blue from the twins' room was a bit too nursery-like. I finally decided to use the same blue that I have in the kitchen and living room (SW Interesting Aqua). It's a grown-up blue that's not too dark, and since the guest room is filled with cast-offs from the living room (curtains, rug, lamps), I knew they would work together.

A couple of coats of paint later, we had a fun, eclectic room that has a lot of personality. It might be filled with cast-offs and art that doesn't work anywhere else, but it's all stuff that I love and couldn't bear to part with.  I have a place to store my collection of dollhouses (I'm a miniatures junkie- more on that later), and we finally have a place to display the concert flyers we've started collecting over the past couple of years.

(Sidenote- We are total concert junkies. I thought that made us kind of cool and fun, but then I started looking around at the audience at our last few shows. You know who goes to concerts? Middle-aged people trying to reclaim their misspent youth. We're not cool- we're a cliche'! But that's okay because we're cliches that have seen some kickass bands.)

As promised, here are those poorly-lit cell phone pictures. It may not be the showplace of our home, but I like it. And at least I have a refuge from snoring that might just save my husband's life!

 I loved this fun colorful quilt. 

The fact that it was $20 made me love it more.

The wall of music is still a work in progress!

These are only from the last year or two. 

Yes, that is a trailer dollhouse.

The inside is as awesome as the outside.

                                                                                

                                    Stuff I love, like this reclaimed wood chest from India,

my quarter scale dollhouse that I'm absurdly proud of,

and my chipmunk art studio that's just funny.